Selfish Wishes

I wish I could start today over, maybe go back in time to... 10 or maybe 11am, and just 're-do' my day. First thing I'd change, is I'd answer the phone call I got, second thing I'd do, is not have the dream that I had because I didn't answer the phone call.

Pretty much everything that has happened wrong with this day, stems from my fear of answering phones. If I had only answered that phone, today would be fine. I'm so sick and tired of this, I don't know why I'm so afraid of everything, phone calls.. going to public places.. Doing things that have to be done. Shit, i can't even check my bank account, because I have no idea why.

I don't wish i could start this day over, I wish I could start this life over. That's the most selfish thing I've said, but as of now - it's true. I'm tired of being the shy quite person that I am, I'm tired of being tormented by dreams of people telling me they love me... I'm tired of this, I feel like a fictional character, set up in a world that will never be fair with me. I feel like I'll never catch a break. That the dice will never roll my way. I wish, i could just start over... Redefine who I am, not be shy, be able to check my bank account... Be able to openly flirt with girls, and 'see what happens' I wish I were confident in myself, and I wish i could do things. I wish I could stand up for what I believe, and what I want.
I'm just sick of everything.

And if your reading this, it's not because of you. The only reason I don't want to start my life over, is because of the people I've met. I love the people I know, and the people I associate with. But then again, who would miss me? It's not like I'm a regular at the bar... Or a 'usual' crowd member... my friends barely talk to it as it is. And I'm sure, you could easily replace me. Who ever you are.


So this is all going to change. From now on, I stand up for what I believe, I say what I want, and I don't back down. I'll flirt with girls i don't even know their names, with their boyfriends standing right next to us. Fuck, I'll even say she's pretty looking into his eyes. I am the master of my fate now, what I want - will be what I want. I'm not going to be that shy kid that can't do anything, because he's to afraid of the things he hears in his head... I'll never again, be paranoid about calling someone, because it...has...to...be...done. I wont let my paranoia, my shyness get to me anymore. This is my life and I run the show. If you don't want to be apart of my life, fine whatever. your loss. I've just gained an ego.

I can't start everything over, but i can grab this life's balls and take over. I don't know who was controlling me before, but fuck them - this is me.

(God is still #1)