I was going through my old sheet music, trying to do something with it, because it was just a huge mess... sadly, i can't find all the pages to the one song i wanted, Bach's 1st unaccompanied cello suite. Leave it as it may be, the most overplayed, over scrutinized, overzealous cello solo song ever - it appears anywhere a cello plays in movies... It's a masterpiece beyond recognition. And I am saddened that i could not find the first page of three.
However i found plenty others, from St. Paul's Suite by Gustav Holst. or Mozarts 25th Symphony, or Beethoven's Egmont overture, and a few other...
But the title of this post, "Silent, beautiful defeat" is about one piece in particular, Edvard Grieg's "Holberg" Suite. This was a piece, we played as our final, final piece. I was a senior at high school this year we played it, and this was "it." I suppose you could say, this was to show our work, how far we've come and what work we've done...
Movements 2 and 4, in specific are my silent defeat. This, is where I had the solo, not only the cellist solo - but the PIECE solo, no other instrument had the attention, and i suppose, this is where my work was to shine. But, long story short, i didn't preform anywhere close to justice.
2 years later, as i listen to this piece, I'm drawn to tears at it's beauty, and especially by the cellist solo... what I was to play, it's all different, when you hear it vs. when you play it... You miss it, even though you hear it. I wont explain it, but that's how it works. Listening to it now, 2 years later... was a moving thing, all i can do is think about sitting in that spot, playing it... everyone dropping away the conductor sticking her arm out at my telling me to play louder... and how i couldn't. I don't know if was fear, or not being prepared (I doubt fear, i spent at least 6-7 years playing music on a stage in front of people...) But i still remember, not being able to justify the solo, and now, 2 years later... I know if i were to pick up my cello, i'd come no where close.
Silent, beautiful defeat.
I hate, that i've dropped away from playing my cello, dropped away from being as good as i was, although, i was never that great... I wish, i could go back and make me NOT fall away... I wish today, i could play Mozart's 25th without question... or St. Paul's suite, with joy... But, i cannot. In two years, i let 8 years of work slip away.
I never want that to happen again.
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