Blog moving day?

If there was ever such a thing as a "moving day" for a blog - I'd be on the sign up list. I am starting to fool around with google wave, and it's ability to support my blog. It wont be the same, I agree - but it supports more discussion on my posts, and would be much easier for more of my friends to read. I doubt any of my friends know of this as my blog.

If you've got a google wave account, and you wish to check out my new blog thread, here's how:
Log into your google wave, in the search bar type in "The Geeks corner" as shown below:

AS OF NOW, it should be the only result that shows up. Now, because I am new to this google wave thing, I'm not sure if you can actually see that or not (Of course, you remembered to switch from "inbox" to "all" on the navigation panel correct? (lol at you who did not)) SO, if you cannot find it, try the following:

search for "with:public the geeks corner"

This time, you SHOULD get it, but you SHOULD get other public waves, as shown below mine - all in all, you should be able to find mine, if you put the correct search string in, and it should be at the top. If not, look for my photo, and you'll know your there :P

test

this is a test, so don't freak out

Tormenting Dreams

So - for the longest time, I felt like i was "in the clear." I had thought by magic, or ... anything... I cured myself of my tormenting dreams. But as of the last few nights, I was wrong. I can't explain why the heck I have these dreams, or what the heck they mean... But i guess that doesn't stop them huh?

they are almost wonderful, if not for the terrifying, and tormenting part. they aren't typical slasher or falling dreams... not your average "in school wearing only underwear" either... They are about friends, people i know, people i've loved... people i used to be friends with. Which, i suppose, makes them more tormenting.

Having a dream, about being intimate (several times over) , with your first high school crush that never was, is partly tormenting, mostly because it's that "never happened" thing. It happens in your mind, but it never really happened. But, I can't explain why they are tormenting, there was other parts to this dream and other dreams as well, but i don't feel like explaining them. To be honest, if i did tell you, you'd wonder why it's so tormenting to me... And to be honest, i can't explain it. I could have the happiest dream in the world, but it'd be deeply tormenting to me, that's just how it works.

I almost wish, they'd just "slow down" so i could try and figure them out, but i don't think that will happen. I'm hoping, they don't continue. Because i cannot afford to take half-hour long showers each day trying to pull myself together and get past the dreams. I shouldn't be so bothered by my dreams. But, maybe the reason I'm so bothered by them, is because i know what "power" my dreams can have... What I've seen in the past that has come true, maybe it's tormenting me, the idea that possibly those dreams are real, and the torment/dread/terror i feel then... Later in my life, i really feel. I hope not... partially ":D


All i know, is insomnia sounds awesome right now.

crappy day

So, today ended up being a crappy day.
Everything started out wonderful... Was shaping up to be a great day, it was warm out and everything (uncommon for Michigan at this time...)

Then, my ambition to play Steam based games on linux... got the better of me. A friend of mine recently bought Team Fortress 2, so i tried installing/playing my copy on linux... Was working fairly well, but it seems like it wouldn't work in the long run. I think, 15 minutes was the best i could get out of it before it froze, and even then. I can't run games in full screen. SO, i decided to try and install Windows again, because a friend has a copy of Windows 7, that i can use. But, i hate working with partitions. Every time, i screw something up. And, tonight... I screwed it all up.
Now my computer isn't working, and i'm not sure what to do. I have an idea of what to do... But yeah, no ideas.

To top things all off, i got a letter in the mail today... of a penpal sending back things i sent her that she didn't want anymore. Awesome feeling. Just, awesome. Made everything so much better now that i think about it.

To finalize things, talking to a friend that usually cheers me up, in fact, made my night just. shit. Things were nice until a friend of hers had to start messing things up. Tonight, is just a shitty night. I partially wish i could start it over, or change one decision. Because, in a funny way, one decision tonight... is the reason for all of this.

Vacation

I just got back from vacation, which lasted about 5 days. My parents and I went down to Tennessee to see some fhamlie. It was such a great time, I got to see little Kylee Rose, who isn't so little anymore. She's not talking, which is a blast because you can have almost real conversations with her. She even called me by name, okay... so it wasn't really "brad" but "bad" was close enough. She even tried for "uncle" but really only got "unc" those darn sylables, there hard on a 2 year old. But, I do not mind being called "unc bad." because I will easily go play with her,if she calls me.

It was a blast, as I said before. We went down to celebrate their birthdays, little Kylee's is only a few days before my brothers, and that was only a few before Halloween. But alas, there was two forms of sickness running around the house while we were there, that the trip wasn't the best ever. I was partially sick during the trip, but now am feeling better, that i can sleep in my own bed, all warm and quite. I suppose, it's just one of those things, your own bed will make you feel better than even the softest couch in your brothers house.

Little Kylee was Velma, from the Scooby Doo tv show, and she looked very cute. We went tricker-treating with her the day before Halloween to a childrens place called "safty city" where it's a minature version of downtown knoxville, perminant small scale buildings, with roads and traffic lights. All the little kids, and some big ones, went around getting candy from "vendors" and some other neat things a kid would like, as in erasers for school or stickers or fake vampire teeth.

The ride there and back, was excruciating, 9 hours long including a few stops and moans. I tried sleeping most of the way, because there was nothing else to do... My dad is one of those people, who will not let anyone else drive - and if he does, he's freaking out the entire time... and he's also the kind of person that wont stop for anything, so, even though starving and needing to pee like crazy, we drove straight from Michigan to Tennessee, in about 9 or so hours.




 But overall, it was a wonderful trip.
I wish, i could go back... and I hope, someday soon, I will.

Strings

It's about 01:51:20
I'm taking a break, intermission from watching my movie (the tournament) and decided to write this. I've had another 'dream thing' tonight, watching my movie. This one's pretty old actually, i forgot about it for awhile. To be honest, i forget them all before they happen.

I was sitting here, in meh bed, watching my movie on my laptop. Scene changes and it shows somewhat of a image of a woman looking into a two way mirror that's cracked, and she's looking through it for a little bit. But to me, it was a lot longer than it really was in the movie, i suppose, the image from my dream and what was really on the movie, connected together and i just stared at an image... or thought about the image.

Anyway, why this post is called strings? Well, as 'coincidence' loves my life, this dream, is about a recently re-introduced friend. What is odd, is i believe i had this dream, as a dream when i was in limbo of not talking to her... But now, we're back to talking. It's odd though, 'strings' i feel like my life is run by a large set of strings i cannot see. More so, with these dreams... I've yet to figure them out, and i don't think i ever will. But, i can't shake the feeling of strings when they happen. Just think about it... every single thing you do, every word on this screen, every breath you take, every noise in the background... has a string attached. Everything, every blink you take, every time you scratch your nose... is planned. These dreams, are exactly this... I cannot escape them, I cannot change them. They happen, and I preform them without question. Some of the, longer dreams i have... make me feel like a slave. Because i know everything that's going to happen, every detail what I will think, what someone will say, everything in the background. It's a creepy feeling, when it happens.

I know this is true, I know life is controlled by 'strings' of some higher authority. Strings, we cannot see, strings, we do not expect. How can strings control my life you think... Because I'm doing the things - it is I that waves my arms without thought right now, how can a 'string' be there for what i do without planning/without thinking? It is I that shouts something I'd never say, not a string.. To be honest, I don't know, will I ever know? I doubt it.
Does anyone know... I doubt it.

Things recently, have been to coincidental, even more now with this dream, to be just coincidence... Things happen for a reason, these strings are here... They control everything, and they even control my typing. Odd isn't it?

I'm curious to know if it's possible for a string to get broken, what happens. Are other strings attached to this string? Who's string depends on mine? If mine fails, what happens to yours? What if, by me writing this, is breaking a string from happening, and your reading it, stops one of yours from happening. I normally hate 'what if' questions because they are about anything.


What if, a sting of mine, was to love you... but a string of yours broke mine from keeping that love? What if... my love broke a string of yours? And stopped you from loving me...
Is this possible? It sounds possible, i believe there is more than one string, and we've crossed paths a few times... I hope to not cut anymore strings between us again...

"Careful what you wish for"

The saying, Be careful of what you wish for is so true... To this point, I will not even try and fight it.
Twice, I've wished something... twice it's come around, both the same thing as well. The first time, it didn't go so well, in fact, I'd have to say that because of it, things were worse off than they were before. But it's okay, it's what I wanted (How many selfish times do we say that sentence?)

But this time, things feel different. I've wished, that someone would feel sorry for what they did to me, that they would realize what they've done to me. That they'd see the error of their way, and feel 'bad' for what they did. Somehow, making me feel good. But, this is the second time I've 'asked' this... and it's the second time to come around.
But like I said, it feels different this time. there once, was a saying this person said to me... that I could not accept, in no way - would I even begin to accept this saying, this "motto for life" it was so painful, and ignorant to me... that i could never accept it, and somewhat, got upset when was told to follow it. More so, it was offered as an 'escape' from my problems. But, i've been meditating as much as i can these days, wanting to grow stronger, be healthier... And one night, the moral of the story, was in fact, this 'motto' I finally, accepted it... It made sense to me, and I could follow it. I like the saying now.

Coincidence, that this saying, was something they said to me? I rarely, believe in coincidences being the reason for life anymore. there's a greater working out there, and it's not by chance, that i've accepted this saying, and they've come around again.


All I know is, I'm not in control of my life... And I will admit i've 'asked' that this person feel sorry for what they did, and realize how their actions effected me. I will not lie that i've wanted this. And I will not lie that this isn't the first time, with this person i've asked this. All I know is, this time, I'm not letting things get screwed up to mess up a friendship, so wonderful in it's high points. I may not be smarter this time, but I wont be letting this relationship, this friendship... get screwed up.
I accept that i wanted this person to feel sorry, and I myself, am sorry i asked this. I just, cannot bear to see this person be taken away from me again. And I know, I'll never be asking this again, never will I want someone to feel sorry for what they've done to me. Because, it's not my problem if they do or not. In the end, they'll have to answer why they did it, and why they weren't sorry/forgiving of it.

But, as I've grown to liking these past days,
Don't worry - be happy.

Silent, beautiful defeat.

Today, i decided to boycott the internet for the most part of the day, and focus on my life for more pressing matters - having a life.

I was going through my old sheet music, trying to do something with it, because it was just a huge mess... sadly, i can't find all the pages to the one song i wanted, Bach's 1st unaccompanied cello suite. Leave it as it  may be, the most overplayed, over scrutinized, overzealous cello solo song ever - it appears anywhere a cello plays in movies... It's a masterpiece beyond recognition. And I am saddened that i could not find the first page of three.

However i found plenty others, from St. Paul's Suite by Gustav Holst. or Mozarts 25th Symphony, or Beethoven's Egmont overture, and a few other...
But the title of this post, "Silent, beautiful defeat" is about one piece in particular, Edvard Grieg's "Holberg" Suite. This was a piece, we played as our final, final piece. I was a senior at high school this year we played it, and this was "it." I suppose you could say, this was to show our work, how far we've come and what work we've done...

Movements 2 and 4, in specific are my silent defeat. This, is where I had the solo, not only the cellist solo - but the PIECE solo, no other instrument had the attention, and i suppose, this is where my work was to shine. But, long story short, i didn't preform anywhere close to justice.

2 years later, as i listen to this piece, I'm drawn to tears at it's beauty, and especially by the cellist solo... what I was to play, it's all different, when you hear it vs. when you play it... You miss it, even though you hear it. I wont explain it, but that's how it works. Listening to it now, 2 years later... was a moving thing, all i can do is think about sitting in that spot, playing it... everyone dropping away the conductor sticking her arm out at my telling me to play louder... and how i couldn't. I don't know if was fear, or not being prepared (I doubt fear, i spent at least 6-7 years playing music on a stage in front of people...) But i still remember, not being able to justify the solo, and now, 2 years later... I know if i were to pick up my cello, i'd come no where close.

Silent, beautiful defeat.

I hate, that i've dropped away from playing my cello, dropped away from being as good as i was, although, i was never that great... I wish, i could go back and make me NOT fall away... I wish today, i could play Mozart's 25th without question... or St. Paul's suite, with joy... But, i cannot. In two years, i let 8 years of work slip away.
I never want that to happen again.

The second movement


The fourth movement

St. Anger

I really admire the song "St. Anger" by metallica, more so - by James. I've always liked it, ever sense i heard it... whenever that was, but only recently have i looked into it's meaning. Of course, i know the story with James and alchohol.. I know the problems, and i've watched the tv documentary/movie several times... But once i looked into the meaning of the lyrics of that song... I noticed how... 'personal' the song is to him. How, it's not a song, but rather him expressing his feelings/emotions/...his life...

The lyrics that get me the most, are: "I'm madly in anger with you" when i first heard the song, i just took it as a parody of the popular term "I'm madly in love with you" but upon reflecting about his problem with alcoholism, etc... I've noticed, it's more than just words. He hates his alcoholism, but at the same time, loved alchohol, or to an extent of that - I wont dive into his personal life, because i know nothing about him. I relate to that lyric so well... I have problems, that I HATE... I wish nothing more than to just STOP... but i love them, it's a 'release' if you will, metaphorically. It's a habit... an addiction. I love it, but hate it.
Therefore, with my problems... I'm madly in anger with them.

To conclude, "Fuck it all and no regrets, I hit the lights on these dark sets. I need a voice to let myself To let myself go free."
What I am, and what I've done - is who I am and what makes me, all i can do is move on, i can't change who i was, or the things I've done, but i can shut the lights off and let myself go free. No longer get held up by my problems, emotional...physical...mental...

on an unrelated note... I have a lot of anger in me, and i have to deal with taming my st. anger.

Maturity.

I've noticed lately, how I've been changing... Hanging out with my friends today, has been kinda a 'reality check-in' i've long been missing. Seeing my friends, let me see myself again. Who I am with people, how i react to jokes and being talked to. And I can see, more maturity - all around. I'm more calm in conversations, and hanging with friends. More "cool" if the word expresses anything these days. I don't crack jokes and laugh really loud all the time these days, but i'll speak softly and chuckle here and there. I've noticed, i make more eye contact than ever. I can notice, i am maturing faster than others I know.

Today on facebook, i read an unrelated event about Halloween. And it seems, like all the people my age, are only concerned about having sex and getting wasted with naked people all around them at parties. My friend, posted a status of enjoying getting his friend drunk for the first time, and there's some Halloween party, where everyone will have lots of beer to drink, and there'll be loads of naked girls running around.

Sometimes i wonder, am i in the right age group? I'm not at all interested in going to some party, where everyone will be flat out wasted, making out with toilet seats, and the following morning an air horn will bring sudden death to it's producer. I'm interested, in a more quite night, with movies and friends, games and conversations. I've never been a 'hearty partier' but then again... is my age group supposed to be like that?


I've always wondered if i was in the right age group, and with how i'm changing right now.. it seems like i'm less connected 'with the times' than ever.

Frame of reference

In physics, Frame of Reference, screws everything up - your driving in a car looking out the window, either your moving, and the houses are staying still, or you are staying still and the houses are moving. While the second one, screws with natural ways of thinking - it is just as valid as a frame of reference as the first.

With this thinking, i believe i've "unlocked" a reasoning behind my depression. While at school, or working - everything is "one week at a time" when i manage what i have to do and prioritize my time with my classes, it's "one week at a time" or, with work it was one week at a time, get to the weekend etc. But now, with no work, no school... it's "one day at a time" "one hour at a time" "one second at a time. I've got no larger frame of reference to look at things, and somehow this makes me depressed. Not, that i'm choosing to be depressed, i just suppose, with school or work - somehow i just look further ahead in time and ignore my feelings at the moment.

That being said, am i in the car moving, or is the world moving and i am staying still? How, do I apply the frame of reference that keeps me happy, to this situation i am in now, which i am not happy?
To be honest, I don't know

computers

So today, marks a very interesting day in the Fogarty Household, my mother got her first personal computer, her own laptop - no longer using the 'family' desktop. And what brings this to be such a monumental occasion, is that she now has a mac. To state it blatantly, i hate macs, i could go onto explain why I hate macs, and they are no better than Windows, but that isn't this thread. Even though i hate macs, i enjoy the fact that she got a fairly good computer, for 100 bucks.

Which, brings me to what i've been thinking about today... My brother, self-proclaimed mac-man of this family, was put up against our uncle, who is a real "mac-man" if he's ever seen one, and made my brother look like a child with his lack of knowledge... Which makes me wonder, how many people who use macs, are just 'posers' ? Tonight, when helping our mother set up this computer, she was prompted to create a password, and he said it wasn't required and I said, "Is its not the root password?" to his reply, saying that "root" is not a 'mac thing.' now, you don't have to speak Python to know that 'root' is not-not a mac thing. 'root' is a 'computer' thing. He's had his mac for, 3 or so years now, and he has no idea what a "root user" is. Or what a "root password" is. I know, that macs are the cool computers to have, all the fkkers at starbucks have them, and all the rich fkkers user them. But, do any mac users actually know how to use computers?

Take mac vs. linux into thought: they are fairly the same thing, 2 second glances at both computers, an average person wouldn't see the difference... But the fact-of-the-matter is, macs OS X is just, 'dumbed down' linux... they've removed the freedom to use a computer. It's common knowledge, that you can't do anything to a mac, but what i can do - it does it well. But linux, does "it" well, and it's customizable. take your command bar at the top of the screen for one - you on a mac, are stuck with it... getting rid if it, you'd not be able to do anything... I however, can delete that bar, move the bar - HIDE the bar, and even remake the bar when i delete it.

I'll admit, linux is not beginner friendly, new users to linux will be fucked trying to install something, or figure out why in the heck they aren't root (if using ubuntu)
SO I'm curious... to see what mac users think about linux, i'd like to see some die hard mac users, who have never heard the word "linux" before, try it out... I'd like to see what they think. If you ask me, i think most people use macs, because they're easy. Which is true, and which is why i am glad my mom has one. She'll never get past using it for the internet, storing photos... maybe chatting some friends up... But I on the other hand, will be stealing stuff, running programs, and getting the most out of a computer. I recommend mac to her, but for anyone who wants more than an "on - off switch" of a computer, to get linux.


Final thought, look at what NASA uses on their computers, and I'll tell you it's not Microsoft, and i'll tell you it's not mac ;)
Oh God... could you imagine NASA getting the blue screen of death during a mission to mars? O_O that would suck...

...Hotties...

So, my ideal girl, has always been a cute nerd. Maybe short, black hair... glasses are always a bonus. A girl, that could hold her own describing the Zelda series, a girl who thinks it's cute to drink milk through a straw... Someone, I could stay up all night with, trying to beat RE5 Merc. mode. I've always dreamed about the day, I'd meet a girl who could tell me who the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo were... A girl, who would giggle at me saying I felt at home in my box... Or that i want my companion cube... A girl who would consider "AYB" as a tattoo... But recently, things have changed, the more and more i work in the garage, the more and more i stare at the single like of a Mustang - see it in a Dodge Challenger, the more and more i hear engines, the more grease and blood i sweat, the more knuckles i bust, and lips i bite, the more i swear because of knuckles busted... The more i lay on a concrete floor, smelling like oil... The less I want "her." Right now, I will say to you - I will NEVER, not want a girl who knows who the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo are, or considers a cardboard box home... That's a deep vein.

But, the more things change, the more... I want a 'bad girl' a girl, who is willing to get dirty. Who can turn a wrench.... A girl, who can tell me how a fuel pump works... has seen inside of a carburetor while an engine is running. I don't know why this is, but i want someone strong... Independant, someone hard to get, If I could step out of my body for one moment, and see who I really am, I bet I'd see a wild animal, primitive human... (And yes, i will still take a girl who just thought of Eva saying to Snake that if she kissed him "right now" he'd taste like a wild animal) Who I am, is changing... I'm no longer a tech nerd, who gets pumped up by a single line of code that works... when a .gif finally comes together,

I'd imagine, the guy I am today... would be unattractive to a nerdy girl, with my "wild hair" and extensive facial hair (recently shaven due to a job interview) I bet the 'tone' of my eyes has even changed. I'm starting to grow up... I can look my dad in the eye when i talk to him now, i can see his joy for cars - that I now share.

I guess what I am saying, is my woman ideology, of a sweet, innocent girl who laughs over Roman to Greek God differences (few and far between) less amazing, and a girl, who can air brush flames, more attractive... I don't know where I'm going in life, but i bet a ride with her would be fun ^_^
Or dare I say, a ride on her O_O


And YES, this entire thought train... was brought about by watching Transformers 2.

Fkk... so maybe I am still a nerd, just not... "cleansed" from my ways.

Internal Quarrel.

So like... I finally got around to changing the background of my blog, from the amazing black background >_> and now, i am unable to decided what I want it to be :S I need help, I'll post photos as "possible candidates" below, to which i'd like you to vote, and suggest which would look the best as the background:
(click on the images to enlarge to 1440 x 900)

1.) Sensual Woman:

2.) Bloody Hand Print:

3.OMG AWESOME:

4.) Apple ^_^

5.) Windows 7-Patch: (Current Desktop Wallpaper)

6.) Medusa:


erm... and I may make one later on and scrap all the votes ;P
Monica, no stealing the apple.

Day One: Re-invention

It's day one of my new life - I've named it re-invention, because it seemed fitting.

Day one was a success, I've conquered a few obstacles that i've had hard times with before:

1. The fear, of everything:

I was able to get my ass out of the house, and go to a job interview. I suppose, this success started yesterday - when i made myself call the person back, to set up an interview. But none the less, i walked tall with pride, and carried a big fucking stick. (no, not literally a fucking stuck... Using the word "fucking" as to describe the size of the big stick... as in, it was a fucking big stick, not it was my fucking stick)

+1 Bravery Skills

2. The fear of eye contact:

I was able to have a conversation with the interviewer, with eye contact. I was able to look at her eyes while i sputtered out full sentences. Something, I've had a VERY hard time with before.... The fear of eye contact, runs deeper than any of these problems i have, i can't quite explain it.

+1 Confidence Skills

3. The ability to talk without stuttering:

I was able to talk, not only with eye contact, but without stuttering either - which is amazing when you put with it, my fear of eye contact. I did a good 'un by being able to talk to her without stuttering, and with eye contact

+1 People Skills

4. The ability to talk to strangers:

At first, i had no clue where to go for this interview, so what did I do? Instead of calling a friend who works there to figure it out... I marched myself to the main office and asked the purdy lady where to go. And surprise! She didn't bite my head off for being a human too.

+1 People Skills, +1 Bravery Skills

5. The fear of uncertanty:

Today, I had no idea where to go - I've only been there a few times before, I had to figure out where to go, and I actually smiled at myself when i remembered there was another door to the building, instead of getting upset that i wasn't "doing it right" or that someone would have seen me go back and into a different door

+1 Explorer skills

6. Being away from the house:

Yeah... easy one right? I was able to leave the house, and when it was done... I went for a nice drive, not straight back to the house, so i was away, and was able to do so.

+1 Explorer skills (I would, bump this up to two Explorer skills, but i didn't go to the store to get anything to drink... I was content with my tea.)

7. Walk Tall:

This one is more of an achievement, i walked tall and with pride in who I was, not holding my arm, afraid of people looking at me. Of course, I did not pass any people so i couldn't have smiled or made eye contact or said "hello" or anything... SO oh wells, one achievement is good enough.

+1 Confidence Skill

8. Fear of Fear itself:

Before I left, i went into the bathroom and I looked myself in the eyes and told myself to stop being stupid, to just do this, and get it over with... I even said "It's time to nut up, or shut up"

+1,000,000,000,000 Nerd Points.

+1 Confidence Skill

Here's my Stats of day one:

Bravery: 2

Confidence: 3 

People Skills: 2

Explorer: 2 

Nerd: 1,000,000,000,000

Items aquired:

A big fucking stick

So, It looks like I'm still a freaking large nerd.

Selfish Wishes

I wish I could start today over, maybe go back in time to... 10 or maybe 11am, and just 're-do' my day. First thing I'd change, is I'd answer the phone call I got, second thing I'd do, is not have the dream that I had because I didn't answer the phone call.

Pretty much everything that has happened wrong with this day, stems from my fear of answering phones. If I had only answered that phone, today would be fine. I'm so sick and tired of this, I don't know why I'm so afraid of everything, phone calls.. going to public places.. Doing things that have to be done. Shit, i can't even check my bank account, because I have no idea why.

I don't wish i could start this day over, I wish I could start this life over. That's the most selfish thing I've said, but as of now - it's true. I'm tired of being the shy quite person that I am, I'm tired of being tormented by dreams of people telling me they love me... I'm tired of this, I feel like a fictional character, set up in a world that will never be fair with me. I feel like I'll never catch a break. That the dice will never roll my way. I wish, i could just start over... Redefine who I am, not be shy, be able to check my bank account... Be able to openly flirt with girls, and 'see what happens' I wish I were confident in myself, and I wish i could do things. I wish I could stand up for what I believe, and what I want.
I'm just sick of everything.

And if your reading this, it's not because of you. The only reason I don't want to start my life over, is because of the people I've met. I love the people I know, and the people I associate with. But then again, who would miss me? It's not like I'm a regular at the bar... Or a 'usual' crowd member... my friends barely talk to it as it is. And I'm sure, you could easily replace me. Who ever you are.


So this is all going to change. From now on, I stand up for what I believe, I say what I want, and I don't back down. I'll flirt with girls i don't even know their names, with their boyfriends standing right next to us. Fuck, I'll even say she's pretty looking into his eyes. I am the master of my fate now, what I want - will be what I want. I'm not going to be that shy kid that can't do anything, because he's to afraid of the things he hears in his head... I'll never again, be paranoid about calling someone, because it...has...to...be...done. I wont let my paranoia, my shyness get to me anymore. This is my life and I run the show. If you don't want to be apart of my life, fine whatever. your loss. I've just gained an ego.

I can't start everything over, but i can grab this life's balls and take over. I don't know who was controlling me before, but fuck them - this is me.

(God is still #1)

Unsettling flashbacks

I've had a very unsettling flashback today and it's left me feeling pretty upset. Not upset, like normal - I'm not sad about anything, I'm not angry about anything - things are actually wonderful. Maybe i should say, disturbed. It's left me rather disturbed.

I was watching Top Gear today, as i usually do because it's one of my favorite shows. In this episode, they were towing cars behind a Boeing 747, to see what happens. Well, they towed a Red Ford Mondeo behind the jet and as logic dictates - logic prevailed. The car was sent away tumbling end over end, crashing a few hundred feet away... Well, you can probably see where this is going.

They had a camera rigged up inside of the car to show what flipping the car over would look like, as the car flipped over and the roof caved in... I had a pretty disturbing flashback of my own accident. It wasn't as bad as the Mondeo's accident - but still. I've never been in an accident before and that one was pretty bad for a first timer. As I watched the accident, I relived my own accident. Everything that happened... how things were going, I remember hearing myself swearing and yelling as the truck flipped over... I remember trying to claw at the glass to open it... crawling around on glass... kicking the radio to turn it off... Swearing as loud as i could... Not being able to open either of the doors to get out. I still remember, the phone call I made to my dad... I still remember how i sounded, what I said... I remember sitting there, clawing at the roof, trying to find the button to open the window in the back, just grabbing at grass and glass.... I still remember, hearing the voice of someone come by and help me focus to re-learn how to roll "down" a window to crawl out... I remember, standing there... Not feeling any pain, not hurting at all... Not dazed not stunned. Upset... angry, but not hurt.
I remember everything, like it happened to day. My chest, still hurts when i think about it, the pain i experienced after the adrenaline wore off... I remember the look on my moms face when she got to the wreck... my dad's face when he saw me then after.

I remember everything and it hurts so much. All because of an unsettling flashback.
What's worse, is as I sit here, in this bed... I can't get the disturbed feelings to go away. This time, they're sticking to me, tormenting me like my dreams.




What have I done, to be tormented like this?


One thing for certain is, every time i see a state road crew worker drive by in their colorful orange trucks, i whisper thank you. Because the person that got there, the person who helped me relearn how to open a window, helped me to get focused, called for help... Was a State Road Crew worker, who happened to be working near by. I don't know his name, and never will see him again. But I say thank you to every one of them I see. 
Just in case.

Pain + Anger + Hate = Relief

I'm sure, by the title of this one, your stumped. When does "Pain + Anger + Hate = Relief" ? Well, in all actuality of a sane world - it shouldn't. But it does.

   I'm a normal human being, a normal male. I suck with emotions. I can't deal with them, i can't get what I'm feeling out properly. When something bad happens, i can't let it go... I just bottle it up like the rest of humanity, making baggage, chains, if you will that i carry for sometime. And it seems, that the only way for all of this to be let go, is when i experience pain and anger and hate all at once. When does this happen you ask? When I work out.

  Yes, to deal with emotions, to deal with stress, to deal with anger/pain/hate I work out. It's an interesting story, because i don't even know how it works. But there's a point when i work out... That i just get so angry, so hateful so ravaged in pain, that I can let go... I feel relief from all the emotions i carry. I can't explain how it works, nor do i want to find out. All I know is, when i work out, I free myself from these emotions I carry inside. All the problems, with girls i've loved and have torn my heart out - leave. They just... leave when i work out, it's the most cleansing situation i can take, and I love it.

  I'll never say, that I'm an angry person, that I am a hatefull person - in truth, I'm quite a nice and caring person. But put it this way, when its saturday morning, and you ask dad to play football, and he says "not now, it's daddy time" ... Me + Working Out = Daddy Time.
  I'll never forget the feeling i get, when i am finally able to just... let... go... I suppose, the only way to describe it... is like an orgasm, by definition, it's the peak of intense pleasure. It's so hard to describe "relief from emotions" as an emotion its self - but when all the bad emotions leave, and it leaves me 'empty' it's literally like an orgasm. I'm left weightless, and feel great.

For now, working out is the only way I know how to deal with emotions, i suppose - i should invest time into figuring out a less harmful way?

A Geek, is a Geek.

So, I play this game online, called CyberNations. It's a pretty fun game, the only way i can describe it, is like the Civilization series or like Settlers of Catan. But instead of a whole bunch of Cities/Nations - you focus on just one. You make a Nation, and you control almost everything about it. You start off really small, about 50 civilians, and you control their tax rates, what buildings they'll eventually have, you buy "infrastructure" which helps improve your nation - it allows higher income/more civilians/more land, but you also can buy land. You even can build an army, you buy how many soldiers you want, and you have to pay a tax on however many you own.

I've started playing this game about a month ago, and i love playing it. My nation is called Trípolis and it's located in Greece (surprised?) I've joined an Alliance, Sparta and it's an absolute blast... I've even gotten jobs, the first job I hold, is a recruiter, i go around and try to recruit members to our nation, and so far, I've gotten at least 5 :D you can check out my spreadsheet If you want to track my recruiter stats :D

It's been great playing it, sometimes i get surprised by the messages users leave about my recruiting messages: someone said: "Obviously need to join an alliance, of the 25 offers I got this seemed one of the most organized and...just best to choose from." which made me feel warm and fuzzy inside... I've also gotten: "It is one of the most powerful alliances in Cyber Nations and it seems like the most appealing of any of the invitations I have received" :D
I've not recieved any bad reviews so far... and I'm excited, because on the application forum of our Alliance, all of the most recent posts, are people I've recruited :D Last night was a great night for me recruiting ^_^


So erm, yes: If you want to play, just sign up a nation, and tell me :P I can get you into Sparta :D and i can help you  play, if this is something you'd like to try. If not, just like yeah.. ignore this and look at my photo.

Today, a special day

   Today, October 2nd 2009 is a very special day, two years ago today, a Miss Kylee Rose Fogarty was born. My niece, my only niece.

   It's funny, I've never been much for kids. Presented with the situation of holding a baby, i've never been fond to give much more than a primitive snarl and go hunt for dinner instead. But it's all different... when it's your family. To be honest -I hate kids- I'd love to never have to deal with them in the supermarket/toy store/ANYWHERE again... With their screaming, tantrums, jabbering and not to mention their ... dirty-ness. But, it's all different, when it's your family.
   When we went down to TN to see them, a few months ago, I changed my ways. I was always shy to hold a small child, or play with them or talk to them... But Miss Kylee Rose changed my ways. I was sad to have to leave, because she was the most adorable child i've ever seen. I'll never forget, all the trips in the car sitting next to her, her continual asking for my "hot" which meant, she wanted to wear my hat.
  And now, Miss Kylee Rose, is two years old. And she's beginning to grow - and it's amazing to see how she's changing. I still remember the day, i first saw her - and held her in my hand[s] she was so small, she couldn't even focus her eyes (but if she could, i bet she'd freak out because of my blue/green mohawk) but now, she's getting to the age where she can start to remember family members (I hope) Thanksgiving... Christmas time... Birthdays... Parties, with her will be more fun, to be able to watch her grow, and see how she lives out her life.

Not to mention, the Fogarty's are a Michigan family, she was born and raised in Tennessee, it's going to be funny to see her try to deal with snow during the winter time when she gets older...

Tennessee Shines

Tonight, was the premier of the first performance of the second season of the glorious "Tennessee shines" program, of downtown Knoxville, in none other than ... the great state of Tennessee! And I have to say, it was a wonderful performance, I've only had the privilege to go once before (because i live in Michigan)

It was quite a wonderful show, bringing new faces, mixed with old ones, set the stage for a wonderful evening of a performance. Hosted by their usual Jim Lauderdale, it was a nice evening. Mixed with some down south fiddle playing, and gospel music, it was a colorful evening. Filled with hoots and hollerin' - lessons in the hillbilly mating calls, fun times.

I was happy, to sit in my room, and listen to the live performance, it made me miss a simpler time, when i was on vacation down south - but none the less, it excited me to hear them preform.

Towards the end, i even fell half-asleep, which was amazing, because i was so relaxed to listen to them play in a semi-coma... I haven't been that relaxed/happy in awhile. But alas, it is over... Can't wait until next month.

I can't forget last month's performance, because it was the first time i got to see it live... We even got special 'reserved seats' which i saved the banner from, and is hanging on my door. I'll never forget hearing "Robinella" sing. She has such an amazing voice, it was breath taking.




And i'll always have a tear brought to my eye, by the performance of Jay Clark, Sunday Afternoon:


But no other song, brings a tear to my eye like this one,



If bluegrass/country/redneck-good-times is your thing, check them out online, you can stream their radio performances for free, they host a few hours on a local radio station - WDVX

http://www.tennesseeshines.com/

More about dreams...

I again, had a crazy dream today... I don't know how to explain it, or what the heck it means, but i was sitting right here (It happened a matter of.. 10 minutes ago) and i was thinking, and i thought to myself "How do you know someone before you know someone" All in reference to these fun dreams I have, I had one a few days ago, where i was thinking about someone I knew, but when i had the dream, it was before we've ever talked... After, i thought that, i thought "I know, I'll go ask ____" jokingly, because i haven't known this person very long, or even at all, and it only seemed fitting. I laughed with myself at the thought of this, because i know it's something i'd never actually do, then I thought the punchline of this sad joke "I know, I'll ask her if Lacey sends me a message now" and at the time i had this dream, ages ago... Lacey and I were good friends, and her sending me a message wouldn't be something far-fetched and unrealistic.... But, not anymore. When i had that dream, after I 'thought that' there'd be a smile on my face and I'd continue on my way. But here in reality... That's something that wont happen.

I've no idea why i am tormented with these dreams, or what they mean...

Hrmz...

I feel like writing something, as to why I am here... But I don't know what exactly to write. It's about 01:47:35 am and i don't know if i want to sleep.

See, the past few days I've been having weird dreams, some good... And the other 90% bad. To top it all off, I don't know why now i have to get bad dreams. Nothing... important has been going on in my life, nothing riveting is in development. And in fact, these dreams are about people from, an excess of 2 years ago. I can't figure out why, or what they're about... for.

I do recall, a dream the other day, absolutely being terrified of falling. I was up somewhere so high in a city, and it seems no matter what direction i faced, falling was a threating force. About a week ago, i remember having a dream, being absolutely terrified of the open water. I was in a big lake, and the thought of its depth... scared me.
I'll assume it's alright if I get paranoid, when i have dreams being afraid of wind, earth and light...
-shrugs-

Not to mention, today, i had a dream about going downstairs and my mom sitting at the computer, the desk pulled out from the wall and wires and whatnot everywhere - and she was saying to me that there is something missing, that wont allow the internet to be hooked up - when in fact, we were getting a new internet provider installed, and our computer desk was pulled out from the wall, and we were having a bit of trouble with getting it working.

I just... am not sure

First Post

So here I am, I've never had a blog before, and I don't know how much I'll like this new-fangled contraption. I know that's a complete lie, i know i will love this thing because i can edit the HTML ^o^ and make it not look like everyone elses... but still.

I don't know how far this will go, or how much this will help me. I doubt I'll even get more than one person to look at my posts. (hi)

So, let the fun begin.


*byes